Funny Poop Story • Therapy Session

NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT INNOCENT (and guilty)

So the other day.. Monday … I took a moderate-to-massive hoofer in the upstairs terlet. nothing special.. right? well, I clogged the sucker. normally, not a big deal.. let it sit for a few, grab the plunger, hope for the best, then joke about it with the boys.

Oh, the plot chickens.

it’s new-employee-Francine’s first day here, she took over Billy Bob’s desk, which is trouble enough. Srsly. Can’t talk about ball scratching or intestinal malfeasance, rockout to GoatWhore, or discuss the finer points of the new Rammstein video (which, BTW is a full fledged pr0nz0). So anyway…

Now I’m sweating all nervous-like, because I turned a super-hoof-in-water into a viscus brown porridge, and the closet-sized stall is right next to the closet-sized womens stall and here i am totally stinking up the joint, and about a 1/2″ away from having a real horrible overflowing cess-ridden disaster.

“Ok,” I says to myself, “no more plungy-flush… I just gotta plungy-plunge like a bitch till it subsides. i can do this.. put your man-pants on, dude.”

No. No I can’t. Nay, I didn’t. I shut the door and shamefully walk into the boss’s office and tell him what i had just done. I take it upon myself to write up a semi-funny sign for the bathroom, “Maybe humor will take away some of the shame,” I think?

“OUT OF ORDER • GO DOWNSTAIRS • IT’S BAD” I write and follow up with an email to officemom, Hilda. Again with the witty subject.

—–Original Message—–
From: Fred Ralista
Sent: Monday, September 21, 2009 12:09 PM
To: Hilda
Subject: head’s up.

Hey Hilda- we’ve been experiencing some progressively bad behavior
with the upstairs men’s room. I think today was the day where the
toilet decided to kill itself. we need help

we posted an out of order sign, that doesnt fix things.

thansk- FR

Her response:

Fred,
Is it not flushing, overflowing? … big Al is around so please let me
know so I can pass on to him what isn’t working… thanks…k

My Clarification:
it’s not flushing. hasn’t overflowed yet, but who knows.. it’s real angry.
and kinda stinky, too.

OK. Note on the door- Office Mom knows to tell this “Big Al” guy, I should be good… seeing as I work Tuesdays from home, that puts me away from the shame for at least 24 more hours.

Wednesday comes around. I hop downstairs for a coffee refill around ~10-ish. Across the great vast beyond that is the downstairs cubicle farm, “Hey Froderick… did big Al take care of your problem… you know… YOUR TOILET PROBLEM?!”

“Um… my toilet problem?” I kind of meekly question in semi-confusion a la The Big Lebowski.

“Yeah, did he fix your clog?! You said you clogged the toilet in an email and i had him fix it.”

… and that is why, good sirs, I never dropped a codger in high school. people can be so cruel.

Inspiration

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Isn't Screwing America Fun?

Ben is on a ROLL.

I can hear all the snickering now.  Why has Ben named his article wheeee??  I hear them say in hushed tones.  “The old boy must have finally lost it!”

No I haven’t gone off the deep end. That’s just my exclamation of JOY at the ride of democratic spin about Sotomayor.  In an article found on Yahoo News today we see the White House attempting some damage control.  Read the article found here.

What’s appalling is all the talk of “She didn’t mean it”, yet nowhere has Sotomayor herself come out to rescind or explain her statement.  Obama and Gibbs are falling over themselves trying not to screw up yet another project.

However, Sotomayor said exactly what she meant. She will not change her stance on her comment. If she does, we know it would be worth a pile of dung!  She made the comment in 2001. If she really felt bad about it she would have corrected herself then.

So in true Democrat fashion she may be sorry only if it is discovered and makes her look bad. Even then she will carry out her racist agenda!

Do Not…Or Else

Ben Franklin is getting mad…..

The idea of a Sotomayor appointment has become a bit more heated than the White House thought.   Read this article and then let’s discuss.

After reading this article, if you have had any doubts about the intents of this administration they should now be crystal clear.  My stomach turns at the audacity of Gibbs at issuing a warning to Sotomayor’s critics about what they say.

A WARNING ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY?  Are you kidding me?  Who do these people think they are?   I think Mr. Gibbs has never heard of the Constitution and a little thing called the First Amendment.  That’s the one that guarantees us free speech (amongst a few others).  How dare he tell us to watch what we say about this woman?  This alone should cause an uproar of massive proportions!

This statement by Gibbs, while ultimately affecting everyone who has criticism about this administration, applies mostly at this point in time to a comment made by Newt Gingrich.  Gingrich said,” A white man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. A Latina woman racist should also withdraw.”

Gingrich brings up a valid point.  The fact that this woman thinks that because she is a woman, and Latino, assures her to make a better decision than a white man is racist and sexist.

We must DEMAND her withdrawal.

This whole thing reeks of Soviet era strong-arming. I don’t like it, not one bit.  We are supposed to be able to criticize and exchange ideas freely.  When we have the opportunity to do that we are able to reach better solutions.  This administration is not after better ideas and solutions.  Obama wants HIS ideas and solutions.

The article also brings up the attacks some have had against Sotomayor’s intelligence.  Quite frankly I think that’s a valid point.  We have yet to see her intelligence.  Sure she has knowledge.  But intelligence I haven’t seen.  Intelligence is not information; it is the application of information.  If we look at her ruling in the case of Ricci V. Estefan, she is not intelligent but a radical racist, and needs to step down on her own accord. If she would just have a little respect for the post that she is nominated for.

But that will not happen.  It would have, in America, but now we live in the United Soviet States of America.

My jaw Dropped….

From our friend Ben Franklin…

My Jaw dropped this morning when I read the following article that can be found HERE.  When we examine the article section by section we can really tell a lot about Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court.  Let’s begin.

“As an appellate judge she sided last year with the city of New Haven, Conn., in a discrimination case brought by white firefighters. The city threw out results of a promotion exam because too few minorities scored high enough.”

So right away we can see into the mind of Sotomayor she is not for the advancement of people, just minority people.  When you give an exam for promotion the goal is to find out who has the best qualifications to be in charge.  Whoever does not score well on the exam obviously should not be promoted until they can score appropriately.  But, since the white people score higher than the minorities we must scrap the whole thing?  Why is that?  If the roles were reversed and the minorities scored higher than the whites and the whites brought suit the judged would have told them too bad.  But in this current situation we can’t have the minorities look bad!!!  This alone is disturbing, but there’s more.  The main Plaintiff in the suite is Frank Ricci.  Being a true American with good ole American work ethic he slaved over his textbooks.  You see Frank has dyslexia and in order to study he paid a friend $1000.00 to read his textbooks on audiotape.  He also made flash cards and conducted mock interviews.  He also quit a second job in order to have the time to devote to his studies.  As a result out of 77 firefighters taking the test Frank scored the 6th highest amongst the candidates.  I say Way to go Frank!!!  However the city of New Haven Conn. felt that it was too good.

I ask you WHERE IS THE INCENTIVE TO WORK HARD ANYMORE?  What happened to the country that was built upon the hard work of the people and rewarded such initiative as Frank Ricci’s?  People like Sotomayor are making sure its head is crushed under the boots of racial favoritism.

“Sotomayor is a self-described “Newyorkrican” who grew up in a Bronx housing project after her parents moved to New York from Puerto Rico. She has dealt with diabetes since age 8 and lost her father at age 9, growing up under the care of her mother in humble surroundings. As a girl, inspired by the Perry Mason television show, she knew she wanted to be a judge.”

Isn’t that nice?  She can’t even call herself an American.  No she is a “Newyorkrican”.  I don’t want a Newyorkrican sitting on the Supreme Court.  I want an AMERICAN after all this is an AMERICAN court.  And as far as her diabetes and her father dying and her watching “Perry Mason”…I don’t give a damn.  These things are not points of qualification.

“As a judge, she has a bipartisan pedigree. She was first appointed by a Republican, President George H.W. Bush, and won Senate confirmation without dissent. President Bill Clinton named her an appeals judge in 1997″

Okay that may be bipartisan ON PAPER, but when we dig further in an article by Ed Whelan entitled “Shorter Bench” from the National Review Online, the only reason that Bush appointed her was so that a conservative judge would be appointed as well.  Hmm…if she’s not the conservative I guess that makes her the liberal.  One can hardly call that a BIPARTISAN decision.

“Sotomayor has spoken openly about her pride in being Latina, and that personal experiences “affect the facts that judges choose to see.”

“I simply do not know exactly what the difference will be in my judging,” she said in a speech in 2002. “But I accept there will be some based on my gender and my Latina heritage.”

Great!  Here she is admitting that she will put her gender and her affiliation with Latinos above what the law says.  Darlin’, I have news for you.  You are not Puerto Rican you were born in the Bronx in New York that makes you American whether you like it or not!  Your duty is to the American constitution and to the American people, not women in general but PEOPLE.  Again I say to you this is an American Supreme Court.  I you want to be Latino go to Mexico study their law and am appointed to one of their courts, but here we go by AMERICAN law.

“Republicans have issued conflicting signals about their intentions. While some have threatened filibusters if they deemed Obama’s pick too liberal, others have said that is unlikely.  Given Sotomayor’s selection, any decision to filibuster would presumably carry political risks—Hispanics are the fastest-growing segment of the population and an increasingly important one politically.”

Okay now we get to the meat and potatoes of the whole thing.  Republicans will do what is becoming popular among politicians and that is to pander and kiss the feet of all minorities.  Yes they are the fastest growing population and if politicians want to keep their power then they had better do whatever these people want.  Oh no I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!  This makes me sick!!!!  When you begin to worry about keeping your power more than what is right for the people it is time for you to go.

Sources:

http://bench.nationalreview.com/post/?q=N2Y5MTY2NzcwYjU1N2JiMDIxZTE2Nzc0ODNjYzZkYTc=”

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D98DUUMO0&show_article=1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ricci_v._DeStefano

Not Good. Not Good At All.

From Our Good Friend Ben Franklin:

Let’s talk business for a moment.  If I purchase something that can be used only once and after that use it becomes useless to me, what do I do?  The answer is throw it away, obviously after it’s used its junk.  However what do I do if someone wants to buy the entire expended product from me because it is useful to him or her?  That’s easy enough right?  I sell it to them!

This is a straightforward scenario.  If you buy a product for 10 dollars use it once, then can sell it to someone else in its used form for 8 dollars…it’s a no brainer.  The Department of Defense (DoD) however does not see it that way…at least not anymore.

The Military buys ammunition of all calibers.  When they have expended it they sell the casings (Brass) to Georgia Arms.  Georgia Arms then reconditions the cases, reloads them and sells them to the public, as well as law enforcement agencies.  That is a win win situation because the DoD makes a lot of money selling spent brass.

However now they will not sell the brass to Georgia Arms but will instead have it shipped somewhere to be shredded then melted down.  In this state the brass is now worth 80% LESS then what it was before!

Why would they do such a thing?

The answer is that Obama does not want guns in the hands of citizens.  If he cannot get bills passed such as HR-45 (See Here for more on that) he will take our guns another way.  Without Ammo the gun is useless and Obama knows this so this is the next best thing.

It has got to stop!  Why can people not see that when you have an individual who seeks to take one right away, they will seek to take others from you until the only right you have is the right to do only what they tell you.  Even if you are against guns this should frighten you.  I hate the garbage that newspapers are printing, but I will defend their right to do so because it protects my right as well.

Here is the letter sent by the department of Defense to Georgia Arms

Dear Valued Customer:

Please take a moment to note important changes set forth by the Defense Logistics Agency:

Recently it has been determined that fired munitions of all calibers, shapes and sizes have been designated to be Demil code B. As a result and in conjunction with DLA’s current Demil code B policy, this notice will serve as official notification which requires Scrap Venture (SV) to implement mutilation as a condition of sale for all sales of fired munitions effective immediately. This notice also requires SV to immediately cease delivery of any fired munitions that have been recently sold or on active term contracts, unless the material has been mutilated prior to sale or SV personnel can attest to the mutilation after delivery. A certificate of destruction is required in either case.

Thank you,

DOD Surplus
15051 N Kierland Blvd # 300
Scottsdale, AZ 85254

And another March 12, 2009

Larry Hayne Georgia Arms
 PO Box 238
Villa Rica, GA 30180

Re: Event 7084-6200:

Dear Larry Haynie,

Effective immediately DOD Surplus, LLC, will be implementing new requirements for mutilation of fired shell casings. The new DRMS requirement calls for DOD Surplus personnel to witness the mutilation of the property and sign the Certificate of Destruction. Mutilation of the property can be done at the DRMO, if permitted by the Government, or it may be mutilated at a site chosen by the buyer. Mutilation means that the property will be destroyed to the extent prevents its reuse or reconstruction. DOD Surplus personnel will determine when property has been sufficiently mutilated to meet the requirements of the Government.

If you do not agree with the new conditions of your spot sale, please sign the appropriate box provided below stating that you do not agree to the new terms and would like to cancel your purchase effective immediately. If you do agree to the new terms please sign in the appropriate box provided below to acknowledge your understanding and agreement with the new requirements relating to your purchase. Fax the signed document back to (480) 367-1450, emailed responses are not acceptable.

Please respond to this request no later than close of business Monday, March 16th, 2009.

Sincerely,

Government Liquidation.

We must stop the beast with the insatiable appetite, otherwise it will consume us all!  Please use the link in the sources section to contact your Congressman and tell them this has to stop! In conclusion, where do you think that shredded brass is going?  Answer: CHINA!

Sources:

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h45/show

http://www.theshootist.net/2009/03/dod-ends-sale-of-expended-military.html

http://www.congress.org/

FEAR…FEAR…AND MORE FEAR

From our friend “Ben Franklin”:

First it was Mad Cow disease…then it was Avian Flu…Now it’s swine flu. There have always been diseases that shake our world up a little bit. Can you imagine what it must have been like living in Medieval England during the Black Plague when half the population was wiped out! Now that’s a state of emergency worthy of all the hype this swine flu is getting. However…we have in the US nothing even closely resembling that. In Dallas according to the following article (here) there have been six confirmed cases of Swine Flu. None of which have lead to death or even hospitalization!

In this article (here) ABC News reports “In the United States, the swine flu virus has spread to 11 states and infected 94 people, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

94 people…94 PEOPLE! This is a pandemic?! How many millions of people suffer from Diarrhea at any one given time across the world? A lot more than 94. Now diarrhea is a pandemic. Maine has become the latest state to have a confirmed case of swine flu. But not to worry because that person is at home recovering.

I am now starting to smell funny things. This is no more a pandemic than the common cold. I believe governments are choosing their words carefully for the sole purpose of creating fear. Fear is a powerful motivator. People will do very stupid things, things that they would not normally do, but in a state of panic…LOOK OUT!

If it really was as bad as we are being led to believe, then why have we not shut the borders? I think that one of two things is happening. Either this is the first step in martial law (which I highly doubt) or this is Obama’s attempt to draw attention away from his inability to do anything of value as a president (this is the winner).

My Father (one of the greatest men I have ever had the privilege of knowing) always told me “when something comes up and you don’t quite know what to do or think about it. STOP. Ponder it. Let the mind settle and work through it rationally. Nothing constructive was ever accomplished in a state of panic.” It makes sense. What’s the first thing they tell you when you are placed in a position where you might drown? DON”T PANIC. So please before we are willing to let the WHO come in and tell us what to do or the UN. Stop and think.

After hearing about swine flu and reading about it. I stopped and thought and this is a diversion by Obama to help take our minds off his incompetency.

Eugenics and Global Warming

From our good friend “Benjamin Franklin”

More Than Meets The Eye

When does the cure for a problem become greater than the problem itself?  The answer in the case of Government trying to solve the problem is pretty damn quick!  Global warming is just such an issue.  This will be a lengthy article but one I think that is the of great importance.

In the 1930’s after World War I  Germany was in a rough spot.  Hitler had come into power and things began to go downhill.  Nothing makes a leader popular more than a crisis and that leader having an answer to it.  In the case of Post WW I Germany the problem was financial.  Hitler’s answer was that the Jews were the cause of these woes.  But it just wasn’t the Jews.  It was also those that were a strain on the resources of Germany.  People with disabilities and mental illnessess also became targets.  This gave rise to eugenics and racial cleansing.  He instituted a program called Action T4.

T4 was responsible of mudering around 400,000 people.  Men, Women, and Children were all killed in carbon monoxide chambers or by lethal injections.  These centers became the precursors to Auschwitz.  The program knew no discrimination against it’s victims.  If you were mentally ill, incurably disabled, incurably sick, you were exterminated.  These people were what Hitler called “life unworthy of life” regardless of age or sex.

This was a problem that was viewed as a German problem, hence it’s containment to Germany.  In recent times we are seeing the powers that be creating similar problems but on a global setting.  I am refering to the scam of Global Warming.  The way these people operate is genius.  If we blame economic woes of America on certain people no one really cares.  However when we say that man is destroying the earth and if that happens we ALL die.  Now everyone’s ears perk up and they have your undivided attention.  By using pseudo science to help give the claim validity (just like Hitler and Eugenics to “prove” the inferiority of those that were not Aryan) you create fear and panic.  When you have a fear driven people you do not have rational people.  They begin to look for solutions that are not really solutions.  That is okay though, because people are doing something.  It doesn’t nessesarily work but the illusion of problem solving makes people feel better.

We are beginning to see groups of people begin to be targeted.  In an article (found here) from an English news paper we are seeing obese people become targets.  These are very dangerous waters we are treading!  Do we not see the parallels?!  Replace Hitlers view of skin color, eye color, har color, and ethnicity for; weight, type of car driven, hobbies, and type of food eaten.  Do this and you will have the new Jew!

This will be disasterous because this is not contained to anyone nation.  This is global.  I fear like in Nazi Germany people will become so convinced of “impending” doom that they will become irrational and be suckered in to believing that the only way to save themselves in to destroy others.

Who will be the first to gas a 12 year old boy because he likes to eat donuts, or administer a leathal injection to a woman because she drives an SUV?  Will America be the first to murder a man because he eats burgers (remember burgers are made by beef, and that means more cows that flatulate and ruin the atmosphere)?

We MUST step back and use logic and reason for all of our desicions, and when addressing any claim.  When we look at data given by impartial scientists who use real data we see that Global warming caused by man is a FARSE!  Is there climate change?  Yes.  But is it caused by man?  NO.

Sources:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2387203.ece

http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Holocaust/t4.html

http://www.ourcivilisation.com/aginatur/moregw.htm

What’s In A Name?

From a guest writer who calls himself Ben Franklin.

In the first amendment to the Constitution of this great land we are told that we have freedom of speech.  It is a freedom guaranteed to us by God and affirmed to us in the bill of rights that no one has the power to take it away.  I love that right.  With it comes the ability to always speak truth and more importantly to know that because someone is speaking truth it is out there to be heard.  That is a very comforting notion.  For when truth dies what is left?

         It seems however that over the past decade or so this is no more the case.  Beginning with the Clinton administration political correctness has become a rash on the backside of society.  It is all aimed at creating racial “awareness” and ensuring respectful relations between the races (which I find rather asinine considering no where in the constitution does it say that we are ensured respect by our fellow man).  My parents however did teach me right.  I knew better than to go around screaming “nigger” at the top of my lungs. I never thought to ask my mother; “why is that man wearing the funny little hat?  Is he a kike?”  There were some things one does not do in society.  Any person with half a brain knows this without having to be told by the self-righteous left at all available opportunities.

         This controlling of speech has become a staple of our culture.  We have become so used to being told what to say that we are now being told what to think, after all speech is a result of the thought, control the speech and you control the thought.  Nowhere is this more blatant than in a recent article I stumbled across here.

         Apparently using our president’s name is racist and offensive.  Also I guess because he is the first black president he is also the only man on earth to have the exclusive rights to the name “Obama”.  DO blacks eat fried chicken?  I’m sure there are some that do.  So what is the big deal?!  The owners of these restaurants have a right to name their establishments anything they want.  It is their right.  I’m sure that no offense was intended.  They were just attempting to cash in on the Obama name, which has become quite a hot commodity as of late.  After all Pepsi has changed it’s symbol to look like the Obama seal in order to cash in as well.  No one is screaming about that, but then again I guess there are no racial stigmata against a black man drinking Pepsi.

         What we are seeing is veneration for a secular messiah.  In this we are seeing proven Ben Franklin’s statement “Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.”